i'm losing my grip, and i'm in this thing alone

i'm afraid of being lonely. i'm afraid of feeling hopelessness and despair. i am not as self-relient as i like to think. and there's nothing i can do to rectify things.

when i'm alone, i start to think a lot, i wonder about this and that, i drive myself nuts and go paranoid. then i start doing ridiculous things.

i need people around me to feel normal and happy. people are like blankets. they comfort me, they keep me warm and cosy. but as they leave, i feel like i'm being stripped naked, layer by layer, and i'm vulnerable to the biting cold.

at times, i wonder what it would be like to lie broken on the road, with the cars just driving past. and my soul flies high overhead, free of all the suffering and pain in this cruel world.

or i sometimes wonder what it would be like to have that much will power, to starve until i become as invisible as how people make me feel sometimes.

or how it would feel like to run until my legs turn numb, until my lungs collapse under so much strain. how much can i take?

i feel like i have no one to turn to now. my only solace is the people at church, and music. i feel like they care about me more than anyone else around.

people who always ask me what's wrong? get irritated and frustrated when i can't find the courage to open up. they then get angry, and shun me. they tell me "i'll never judge you, i'm your friend". but when the time comes, they'll leave, one by one. an exodus of friends.

at times, it gets so bad, i really want to just give up.

i admit it, i am obstinate, i am proud and arrogant. i like to think i'm solely dependent on myself. i try not to impose myself on others, i try to convince myself that i am wanted.

but the truth is, i am insignificant. the survival of mankind doesn't depend on me. what difference does it make, if i end up dead?

i wonder, if i were to die, how many people would turn up at my funeral and weep at my casket?

(this is self-pity at its worst)

again, i emphasise, people are hypocrites. they ALWAYS judge you, and talk about you behind your back.

they tell me what to do, and who to be friends with.

and now look, who's standing by me and who's not? maybe you should really question yourself. she might be a bad influence on me, but at least she's the only one who cares enough to stick around.

(this is NOT a direct or indirect attack on anyone. i'm just trying to make a point.)

seriously, i don't have anyone to confide in at all, and all these emotions, they're gonna make my head explode.

no one believes in secrecy nowadays.

i'm so foolish to believe in miracles.