your dead lovers have left a trail of broken hearts & misspent hopes

its hard to keep yourself happy, when your life is in shambles all around you.

people tell me to keep my chin up, and smile more. they tell me God can sense the suffering and pain, and He will someday take away all our pain and suffering in exchange for an abundance of happiness.

but i feel like a star that has burnt out too quickly, too spent to care. and i'm turning into a black hole, too dense, and i'm sucking in everything around me at a very high velocity.

i'm turning into a vaccuum, devoid of all emotions.

sometimes i wonder, why am i sad? i don't suffer from family problems (or do i?), i am normal (or am i?).

but sometimes, being normal is not enough.

maybe i'll be sent to hell for this, but i really do doubt the existence of God sometimes. what's the point in suffering? if God is truly omnipotent, why create satan? or, if satan was a fallen angel, then why didn't God kill him? why allow him to stay on Earth, and let us fall to temptation?

i think i'm thinking too much, and i have no way to stop my mind from wandering. friends tell me to go talk to a pastor or something, and ask him to pray for me and rest my wandering mind.

the only thing i want to do right now is listen to music, and run away from all the things that're troubling me. it'll be the best if i can dress up, go for a gig and mosh till my heart's contented. i miss the atmosphere of great music and pushing and shoving.

i sometimes think i'm too complexed to be comprehended.

"you're too nice, jolyn"

and sometimes, just sometimes, i agree. i let people walk all over me. the thing is, they never reciprocate or appreciate it as much as i like them to, and expect too much. sometimes, i feel like sticking up for myself, but then again, what's the use?