death greets me warm, now i will just say goodbye

the seminar was awesome, pastor kong is a really cool and hip guy with a great sense of humour, and a deep love for God. it was pretty inspirational, and the city harvest church band is magnificent. great vocals, great stage presence. and it's amazing how the church has people who come from all walks of life, fighter pilots, SWAT team members, models, a fantastic drummer who's organising the largest drumfest in asia, NUS top scholars, people with a monthly income of US$20,000. multi millionaires, so on and so forth.

on thursday, i sat with jerlyn and melissa, and during the service, we put our arms around one another and prayed. jerlyn told me she felt God's presence, and she heard Him. she told me He said that i'm very troubled and hurt because of a friend's betrayal, and i have many questions that are going unanswered. (roughly, that's what she sent me). it is true, i'm still so sad inside but He says He's going to pull me through this, and i believe it.

someday, i'm going to be healed. and all the past will be nothing but a mere memory. i think the times i spend alone are the worst ever. people reassure me, and say God's always with you, in your heart, in your mind. He's in everything that i do.

on friday, i sat with rachel goh (YAY, she came, and she says she's coming for service during june hols) and charmaine. we sang a lot of songs, and i am still very impressed with the city harvest band! the lady has such a powerhouse voice. i think if she were to join singapore idol, she might just win.

before service, cherie, rachel, delfi, harry (? delfi's friend) intended to go bowling in toa payoh, but there was a friendly there, so we couldn't play. we walked to farrer park mrt station, and ate indian food. chicken masala, briyani rice, papadam, etc. super man *thumbs up*. i ate till i wanted to puke. imagine the fats :/

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when i came home, my parents were pissed off with me because 1) it was late 2) i slammed the door 3) i look haggard and 4) insisted nothing was wrong and 5) i'm shutting myself up, and locking everything inside. i'm feeling exhausted, my shoulder was aching, my legs are aching from all that walking and jumping.

my father can't stand me anymore. he says "don't make me give up on you". i don't know, i think they are dramatizing things. my grades are fine, not as good as they want, but i'm not flunking everything. i just want to act my age, i'm 15. don't give me too many responsibilities, dammit.

he insists that i'm not telling them anything. sometimes, i wonder, is it really my fault? i feel like i can't tell them anything at all. they are so quick to judge my friends. if i were to tell them what i'm up to, what would they do? lock me up in a cage? they are so quick to doubt my words. i don't like being judged.

i guess it is true that i don't confide in anyone anything. my main aim nowadays is to not let anyone know how i'm really feeling.

it's really depleting my energy and my strength. i laid my head on the table yesterday, and i couldn't get up. i willed myself to move, but i laid there for 5 minutes. it was only after someone pulled me up that i could stand.
hey you, don't make me give up on you. =( i'm on the brink of losing my sanity because of you.
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i am thankful for all the wonderful friends i have. cheryl, lingyu, khairiah, deborah, jerlyn, cherie, rachel goh, hoGc people, my family, gurvin, grace ang, liu xinyi, qianyun, tiffany, 3N, ryan, et cetera. you guys are the salt of the earth, the light unto my path. and God :)

"the fool curses the darkness, and the wise lights a candle." lolll, i think i got the quote wrong. but whatever. i am the wise, and i will light a candle. i will not allow the darkness to keep me down.

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Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost this can't be real
Can't stand this hell i feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now she's gone

a tout le monde, je vous aime. it's better to burn out, than to fade away.

and soon, i'll meet my death.
not from the years, not from the use.
not from the tears...
just self abuse.