master of puppets, you're pulling my strings. twisting my mind and smashing my dreams

i cried a lot last night, on the car ride home. they'll never trust me enough.

all we wanted to do was surprise a friend (cheryl) in the middle of the night, and make her feel happy and appreciated. but i guess they had to fucking ruined it all

i got excited over it. what for? before it even reached the climax, they pulled the rug out from under my feet. thanks a lot man.

they lectured me the entire ride home. they expect me to listen to their side of the argument, but when i start talking, saying "it was just innocent fun, we got the approval from her parents" he started on a guilt trip, "don't you know we're worried for you? no details, NOTHING!" yeah, right. i offered you someone's number to call, i told you whose birthday it was, whose house it is. and no, we're not drinking. i gave you lingyu's mother's number, and you told me "i don't need that, i trust you completely, i don't need to call her to know you're up to." yeah right, if that's the case, how come you have to come pick me up at 2 am? you even had to come and inspect the 'party'. how contradicting, right. you could've just called me to go down, but noooo, you had to come up, look around, and try to catch me doing something wrong. and then lock me up forever if i'm in the wrong right?

yah, i'm sure in the company of 2 other girls and a maid, i'm sure they will rape me, sodomize me, slash me, strangle me, and then cut me into pieces. woah, and i'm sure within us 3 school girls, we have access to heroin and ecstasy. we'll get so stoned, i'll fall out of the window and land on my head and go into coma.

i'm not dumb, dad. i'm not a retard, mom.

i can think for myself, i know it's wrong to smoke and take drugs and drink too much in the company of people you don't know. and i know it's wrong for me to clubbing and to go for "tea parties".

i'm not doing anything wrong. when i drink, i don't drink in excess until my liver explodes. i'm still healthy. you don't allow me to drink and smoke, but you're not setting a good example, dad.

the point is: I'M NOT MENTALLY RETARDED. i can tell right from wrong, and i think i deserve a little bit of innocent fun. we baked brownies, for god's sake. and i didn't even get to eat them with cheryl lah.

the thing is, he knew he got it all wrong, he expected a 2039103811920183 people party, with loud music and a lot of booze. he looked stunned when it was a 3 people party, how pitiful. "where did the others go?"

what others? only 3 of us what. i'm sorry if i sound defensive, but it is the truth. you just don't fucking trust me. and i'm fucking disappointed in you, and in me, for not standing up for myself. i thought of writing a letter to both of them, but i know they're only going to scoff and say 'you're only 15, how much do you know? we have a whole life of experience before you, we know the people, they're all wolves in sheep's clothings". i hate it how they attack my character. they make me sound like i'm some kinda weak, easily influenced girl. they dont know how i refuse cigarettes from other people, or other weird obscene requests.

another reason why i don't want to live past 30: you lose your humour, you start having grey hair, people around you find you boring and hard to talk to, and you think you're so much better than others younger than you. the truth is, you're getting old and fat, you're gonna have wrinkles, and you aren't fun. people find you a drag, they hate you, and you're still childish and immature inside, for thinking that others are inferior to you, "superior being".

fuck, next time i'm going out, i'm going to bring my mother along. she can go and see how boring and mundane our lives are. or maybe i'll call her every minute and give her updates on my life

"MOMMY, I AM IN THE TOILET NOW! YAH, I AM SHITTING NOW, I THINK MUST BE CURRY I ATE. I WILL LEAVE THE TOILET TO GO HOME IN 5 MINS."

"MOMMY, I LEFT THE TOILET ALREADY. DAMN SMELLY, I WAITING FOR BUS NOW. HE HE HE"

-_- how freaking spastic.

fuck, i am still damn pissed and sad about this.

your authoritarian regimes, fucking dictators, stupid fucking control freaks. :/