OH MY GOTH! (mid life crisis)

4 papers down...

Just another 5 more to go. Let's hope that my 11th hour preparations will help. The last minute, day/night before cramming...Been trying to study with K+C+A at fast food joints. Which explains why I have a huge hole in my pocket. I realised I have burnt more than 30 bucks on about a week's supply of fast food. I am an unhealthy bastard, not to mention I'm bankrupt. I have decided that once I get my meagre allowance, I will proceed to bank all of them in so I won't be tempted to spend unnecessarily.

Oh my Goth, my expanding waistline and rocketing weight. Not appealing. :/

Watched Bram Stoker's Dracula recently. Cool shit, I guess. MEEEEEEE-NA (whispers)

Had a talk with Bianca on the phone just now. Made me think, really, about best friends and all that other shitty promises we all make. About how we promised to call, and talk everyday. Soon from 'everyday', it becomes weekly, and then monthly, and then you don't bother calling anymore. When you meet, out on the streets, conversations are stilted, and you make quick goodbyes and insincere "talk to you soon!" comments just to get away.

People change so much, like I told Khairiah. I remember we once both had this friend. I remember the time we played with fire near a desolated MRT station, and got into trouble together, and how this particular person tried to take the rap for it, so both me and Khairiah would get away, unscathed. And I remember the times when we would visit this person's workplace, 5 days a week to give moral support. All the memories of 'Medium drink!' and Auntie Betty. Not too long ago, right? Just this year. Then this person had to change, grow up, hurt one of my friends.

I find that I've changed too. The change is significant, I no longer have the ability to feel for others - or myself, really. Previously, I felt like I could put myself in others' shoes, and try to make things better for them if I could - even at the cost of my own comfort or happiness. Now, I barely care. And the words that used to hurt me, criticism shot at me, all the hurt I feel. Now, criticism doesn't affect me, I know and accept that I am shit. I'm just not good enough for this world. Dammit.

I don't really know what the fuck I want. I cannot imagine myself at 40, with a 9-to-5 job, 3 kids, and a flat that constantly needs cleaning. I cannot envision myself in the future. I don't think I even have a future. The prospect of growing old, becoming as....diplomatic and old fashioned as my parents scare me.

I don't even think I'll be in love, I don't think I believe in love anymore. I am scared. If I don't back out of this shit now, I never will. I'd like to believe 'someday, it'll all be worth it'. But what if it isn't? I can't back out right there and then, can I?

I am disgusted at the frivolity and shallowness of this world. I am tired of being me - plain old, boring, dumb, ugly, fat, awkward, revolting me.

I start to believe I'm having a mid life crisis at 15, when I get tired of my job as a student, and want to quit. Ugh.
:( I need alcohol and something to numb the pain I'm feeling right now. I need anaesthetics to knock me out tonight. The nights get so terrible sometimes....I just want to forget. The moodswings just get from bad to worse. Someday all this will just take me away. Have I told you lately how I miss you?
Studying time.

The friend I found is gone so fast, I guess I'm just not good enough...