I can't quit you, baby

I feel like shit.I promised to listen to you, and I have never failed you...but where are you when I need you?

*

How long is this facade going to last?

All this while, I've been trying to be strong for the people who need me. I don't think I'm doing a very good job. Frankly, I'm afraid I'll slip up and disappoint both them and myself.

I'm sorry for being self-centred, but sometimes I think I'm on the verge of losing it. I hate how I impose on others, and I never wish for them to join my pity parties. I expected so much more of myself, really.

I hate how needy I am. I thought I was good at pushing aside my emotions and thoughts, but apparently not so tonight.

I hate how inferior I am compared to others. It has always been on my mind - how people can be so strong emotionally, and others simply fall to pieces in similar situations.

I hate how repulsive I am. I wish I were smarter, stronger emotionally, thinner, and beautiful...Now I'm just nothing - a fat, ugly, dumb nothing. "You're just a nobody."

*

I don't understand myself sometimes, why do I put myself through this shit?

I don't understand people as well. I don't think I'll ever do. You tell them, "don't run into walls!" They'll do precisely that. What kind of sadistic, masochistic people are we? Why put yourself through so much pain? Why don't you just let things go? Why can't you just...let it be? Why can't I? The only reason why you want it is because you can't have it. How true, how apt. We all want to taste the Forbidden Fruit.

Why am I working my brain to overdrive, and then suffer so much later? I hate how I always overreact to every single thing people say.

What exactly am I holding onto? I don't know.

*

Alcohol is much needed now, thanks.

At times living is full of pain
I can't be honest I was fooling an act

How should I love you
How could I feel you
Without you

Even though I can't see you anymore
Your memory will live in my heart
Forever
As well as love does
So I won't say.... Good bye

Someone ought to send me "Without you" by Yoshiki. I've only got the instrumental version.