no use crying cos we can't go back

And you can't tell me how I feel inside.

I get quite frustrated when I cannot articulate myself. At times, I feel like a failure because I don't have the capability to express my thoughts and feelings properly. It takes me quite a while, especially with people I feel like I have to impress. I rehearse whatever I want to say so many times in my head, until I'm sure it's correct. Sometimes it gets so bad, I come across as retarded. I get quite tensed up and self-conscious around people sometimes, hence during conversations I try not to participate in case I say something incriminating. Then there are the MSN conversations. During which, I try to sound as smart as I can. But I feel pressured at times to say the right things - and usually I don't.

I'm not a complete recluse though - I have people I am totally comfortable with. I hate it when I get self-conscious, and worry about all the stupid things that will come out of my mouth. It'll take me quite a while to warm up to someone. I apologise - sometimes I am just too pathetic for my own good.

Sometimes I wonder, if I were pretty and thinner, would the world forgive me?

*

Anti-Jolyn campaign! Sometimes, what I feel towards myself is....hatred. Deep, strong, intense hatred. Ugh. I can't believe all the stupid things I come up with and do. :/ One day, in a fit of blind rage, I'll probably do something stupid like.......I don't know, beat myself up because I can't stand who I am. I don't think I have the ability to reason. How can I, when I do shitty, stupid, embarrassing stuff?

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to associate myself....with myself. What the fuck, I don't think I'm making sense anymore.

*

Sometimes it gets so hard to stay true to yourself. Do you find yourself going along with other people, just to pacify and appease them? Do you notice how your opinions on things change? How you are so willing to throw away your own moral values, under the merest bit of pressure? How susceptible you are at not condoning others' wrongdoings, and even go so far as to follow in their footsteps, experimenting with what you once thought was wrong?

I've come to see how people, under friends' influence, do things that never once appealed to them. Remember how you used to hate this particular band, this particular genre, and when someone (probably much cooler than you) ranted and raved about how they love this band, the gears in your brain start turning, and you go eh, maybe he/she is right after all. The music is not bad, I can dance to it. Well, I LOVE IT!!! Ah. Influence. Everyone is under this sphere of influence.

I would like to think I'm an influential person! Someone quickly tell me I am. O_o Yah, right I am. :S

*

Saturday was Germaine's birthday! Happy birthday love! :D

Anyway, met up with Trish and Mervyn to go to Lime Sonic Bang together. We met Val at Harbourfront and caught Sinn. I thought Sinn was pretty good! Sharmila came! :D Then somehow we whiled away the time, listening to music from the other bands and then joined the moshpit during Bad Obsession's set. Ary got injured, damn. I like Johnny Shameless! Pretty good shit. I think they're awesome, I'm sorry to people who don't share the same sentiment. Haha. I think I like the DJ who got up before Sinn's set. Nice music, really! I don't understand why no one was paying attention when he was on stage, getting all hot and heavy with the turntables. (starts jiggling around)

Oh, I realise I quite like rap. Titanium (?) the last band of the night, was pretty awesome. I went up with Charmaine(?) and Asha (?) and we "danced". I don't know about them man, but I was trying to dance, since I got 2 left feet. The 'dancefloor' was filled with a bunch of talented dancers.

After that I saw Chad and his friends, Metallicaboyz and The Usedboyz (Weixiang and Alex). So, about 10 of us [Trish, Merv, Asha, Charmaine, Ben, Chad, WX, Alex, Josh, Evonne, Khai, Tim, Bunny] spent some money buying 2 bottles of vodka and 10 cans of beer to drink. Some of us passed out after one and a half bottles of vodka o_O. We played games. Quite dumb ah, I have/I never and Truth or Dare. I walked from Siloso beach to Palawan beach a total of about 3 times, I think. Which makes out to about 6 long walks, to and fro. Wtf. Lolol I'm proud to mention I didn't pass out. Nor did I puke. LOL to Chad mofo.

Ben lost his slippers leh, sadness. PEE MADNESS!!!! *pukes* I hope the dude washed his feet. And I think Metallicaboyz is gross. I've learnt quite a lot about Evonne, Chaddy (Megatron), Alexisonfire and Metallicaboyz. We didn't want to leave, so we walked around Sentosa the next morning until noon and hung out at Vivo. Played truth or dare again. Next time we play, we shall be merciless man. Do or die.

*

Friday was Trish's bday! Happy birthday love!!!!

Friday I watched Bratz with Germaine and Khairiah. I made a wish at the Fountain. I know they won't come true, but whatthefuck k. Cheap thrills. We had a talk, and Germaine texted me something that I didn't realise about myself. o_O It was fun, I love them both a lot a lot! B.F.Fzzzz. Omg, damn bimbotic! Must be cos of the movie. I found it quite disgusting yet nice in a way, but the outfits were nice. I like the girl with the blue streaks in her hair, I think she's way awesome. I forgot their names though. And the soundtrack is pretty much shit. The storyline made my jaw drop. Utterly cliche! You can expect what happens next. Germaine and Khairiah are supposed to monitor my diet and help me to reduce my nutrition intake...by like half or something.

I met Bianca after, since my drinking plan got postponed till next week.*hugs Bianca*

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Thursday was gerrr-eat. I met Iylia and Karina early in the morning to ride the DHL balloon 150m up in the air, cos Iylia got free passes. We're 3 tortured souls man. I'm apparently inhuman because my ears don't pop (ask Karina). Then we got hungry and ate flattened chicken with rice. LOL I LAUGH TO THINK OF IT. Then we met up with Iylia's friend Adam to watch Beowulf, which we didn't do in the end, due to time constraint. We went to Far East *ahem* and then went to Wheelock's Starbucks to drink coffee and talk. I do not like blended drinks much o_O. After, Adam left for work again, and we took the River cruise down Singapore River. We waved at random strangers, and rolled our eyes at the little kids. Met up with Trish and Merv after, to destroy slugs (Trish's idea).

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Karina thinks she's in love with Jolyn says (12:46 AM):
rawr

I think I'm in love with Karina as well. I miss her already, and it has been, what - 2 days?

26 more days to go! I miss you! Come home soon! *cues Pug Jelly/Saw Loser*
"how can you move on, when all that you want to do is go back?" I've asked people that question before - maybe it's time I turned the tables and ask myself the same question. I cannot forget you, cos you're an integral part of my life. You made me who I am today. I wish I could push away emotions as easily. I hate how I miss you, and I hate how I "love" you.