Malaise

I cannot be saved.

*

I've reached a stage when I don't know what I want. Days when I want nothing except for it to end. Put everything to a stop, grind to a halt. Then there are days when I want everything.you

Times when I drag myself out of this paralysis, and wish for nothing but to go back to bed and lie there all of eternity.

Even in this state of paralysis, the pain is still there. Like a rock embedded in the sandy shore; the tide surges and covers the rock completely - but it is still there. The nights when it's low tide, when the moon is being cruel, the pain emerges...just when I thought I would be safe. And I am alone. Completely alone, in the pitch darkness. No one to hear my cries, no one to tell me how I'm gonna be alright.

It is my fault - I chose to suffer alone.
It's alright. I'll cope.

*

I don't deserve to be saved.