Prayer for the dying

Perhaps my expectations of myself are too fucking high. Either that or I'm a fucking pathetic loser who can't even achieve the simplest things... I am so fucking dysfunctional. I am a mess. I don't think I'm doing a very good job of holding myself together. I am not supposed to be a mess. I'm not supposed to fall apart. I am not supposed to be a loser. I'm supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to be flawless. I'm supposed to be a machine. When something takes me down, I'll stand up and fight back. Ever ready for the next round.

At this point I can't tell you what I need. I can't tell you what I want either. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know anyone anymore... People who lie to me, tell me things they don't mean. People who hide things from you and act like your fucking best friend. I am so exhausted, I can sleep for eternity and it probably won't be enough. Where have I gone wrong? What am I doing wrong?

I don't know anything that will make things better. That is what scares me the most. If it were a wound, I would clean it and put a band aid on it. But it's not a wound that needs stitching up. This wound isn't physically inflicted. It can't be seen. It's what's inside you. Can you attribute this to a chemical imbalance in my brain? Give me pills to dry swallow and hopefully I'll stop talking so much shit? My life is better than most, I know... What am I lacking? What's missing? Why am I like this?

Did God forget to put some special component in my heart when he made me? Do you even exist, God? Why the fuck did you forsake me? Do you care for me at all? Do you want me to go on my knees and beg? What do you want of me, really? What does everyone want of me now? I have nothing more to give.

So lethargic. The battle in my mind is ongoing... I am fighting and fighting. What for? In the end it'll all amount to nothing. As usual. I always tell myself to hold on. I'd tell people to hold on. "Someday you will be saved. You're not irreparably damaged. You will be fixed." Blind optimism? Blind faith. Maybe in the dark you'll find yourself... but who the fuck are you kidding?

I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be invincible. I don't want to be unbeatable. I was lying when I said I was. I am not. Will never be. I just don't want people to hurt me.

I'm sick of people, sick of school. Sick of alcohol. Sick of crying. Sick of caring. Sick of all the fucking lies. Sick of town. Sick of useless emotions. Sick of words. Sick of getting hurt. Sick of getting used and thrown aside. Sick of being alone. Sick of grief. Sick of anger. Sick of apathy. Sick of empathizing. Sick of hurting all the time... Sick of you. Sick of your shit. Sick of everyone's shit. Sick of my shit. Sick of myself. Sick of life.


I am so fucking selfish. I am such a horrible person. Sorry.
I need someone to hold me. And hold me together so I can stop falling apart.

This is the first time in a long time I've been so honest...
I hate how vulnerable this makes me.

Nothing works anymore. My favourite songs aren't helping. Who/what can?