Run away from you without saying any words, what I don't want to lose is love

Frankly, I feel like an asshole. I'm sorry to people whom I've put off or disappoint.

Watching X Japan videos make me cry, because they're all so sad, even if they're fast paced with frantic drumming and thumping basslines and maniac guitar shredding. Especially so when the camera pans in, and I catch a glimpse of hide with his insane pink hair, outlandish outfits and quirky yellow guitar with hearts emblazoned all over. The funeral videos aren't very helpful either. When you hear Toshi warbling "Forever love, forever dream..." in his shades, trembling like he's gonna break down any second.

I believe hide committed suicide, the doorknob and towel merely tools of convenience. Aiyah, I know, how stupid to hang himself off the doorknob, right? Why not the shower head? Oh, it didn't help that he was hopelessly drunk. But I'm very sure he felt depressed and pained from all the tiresome shit in this world.

Sometimes, even I get tired.

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Friday was fireworks at the rocks with the world's most awesome people. :] Breathtaking stuff, I swear. I hate having to lug my school stuff to and fro though.

Deafcon5 was awesome, I guess. Awesome music, brutal moshing (wall of death), body surfing (i got lifted thrice or something), and some really serious headbanging.

After it all, went to buy chicken rice, and we sat down on a grass patch in Marina Square, behaving like weird hobos. People stared, which wasn't very nice, you know? And then, watched fireworks again. Breathtaking still. Got a bit sad, because. Especially

Aug 19, 2007

At the rims of the mosh pit, you see these skinny little pre-pubescent boys
flailing their gangly arms in the air and twirling around in stupid circles with
goofy smiles on their faces, then suddenly out of nowhere you see this white
flash and a mess of curly hair charge into the mosh pit, brushing these little
newbies aside to get into the center of the mosh where all the action is,
moshing harder than some self-proclaimed "macho guys" do, and then we realize,
"holy crap, it's Jolyn!"

This goes without speaking, but I'll say it anyway. Jolyn, you kick ass! I
salute you.

P.S. Thanks for looking after my sis!

I swear, this made me smile. Thanks ah, Ken! Hahaha.

This comment cheered me up infinitely.

It's about time I moved on, don't you think? But I miss you love. They said "Never trust that love should see a colour". Just because you love, doesn't mean you'll be loved back. You do not reap what you sow, that's what I've learnt. I wish I could hit pause, rewind and replay. I would skip the goodbyes... How can it all end this way?

Am I wrong to be hurt
Am I wrong to feel pain
Am I wrong to be in the rain
Am I wrong to wish the night won't end
Am I wrong to cry
But I know, It's not wrong to sing The Last Song
Cause forever fades

I feel like crying.

I feel like second best, always. Or maybe, I'm not second best, I'm just "second". To you, to everyone.

itsukara darou konna ni hitomi ga shinda no wa?

second day of red rain. it improved somewhat, the atmosphere, i felt, was infinitely much better. the first day one sucked balls (to be honest). but then again, i came for half only. because i overslept (yet again).

dined at billy bombers with a certain pink haired, mohawked dude. that cheered me up infinitely. we talked lots of crap lah, and he had this gigantic slit in his pants, which made me laugh. and yes, it is nice to know you don't think i'm an asshole. fuck, i am scared now, hamsters are constantly being tortured.

and yes, PDA is kewl. i *hearts* PDA.

now i will never look at you the same way, cos i know your dirty little secret! OMG! *evil laughter* powerpuff girls.

yah, you're still my hero lah. and your smses made me smile.

not a lost cause after all, are you? :D

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thanks, prabs & val. emo moments are the shit.

(even though i'm feeling a bit emo right now.) but fuck, it's okay. i'll read them over and over again.

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i don't know, don't make me sad. i'm craving for something.

The sadness on the face will probably be gone tomorrow
When did my eyes become dead?

What is waiting for me tomorrow as I sing and live without meaning?

Alone in my room as my heartbeat screams
Don't kid yourself and don't fool yourself

all the drugs in this world, won't save her from herself

manson is hot schecks, and i typed a super long emo entry about life and how i feel so fucking screwed up and unappreciated sometimes, but i decided against posting it up here. it shall be immortalised else where, where nobody will read it and judge me, and think i'm a fucking whiny loser.

just don't compare me to anyone else, and then take me for granted because i'm not pretty, or because i don't have a hot body, or that i'm not as smart or whatever. because it's so fucking pointless. everyone beats me at everything, i don't see the need to play nice anymore. i hate having to walk on eggshells all day long with people who abuse me in the end. and there's also the fact that i can't stand being alone with myself, because i fucking loathe myself. yes, ah, that's bullshit. and the thing is i don't have anyone to confide in when i'm sad, so i'll just sit around and cry. the people i think of to talk to when i'm sad comes up to a zero. (end emo)

anyway, apologies to the lack of updates. not that anyone reads anyway, but yeah.

lemme try to recall what happened this week. my memory's getting a bit fogged up, and i am feeling pretty lethargic from all the past-midnight mass convos and early mornings and running around. and also, i am also pretty tired from all the fucking horrible moodswings.

monday - i can't remember, seriously.

tuesday - navel piercing & shrek 3 with prabs and merv. ocean's 13 with merv, zy, gordon, evan and someone else, i didnt catch his name.

wednesday - zone d costume party, and then...? oops, i doubt i did anything after. but i'm not very sure.

thursday - far east with val & sharmila, and then headed over to pasir ris to find bianca! :] camwhored a lot, and i love them oodles noodles. scary movie 3 at bianca's house.

friday - fantastic 4 (silver surfer) with mel & josh, josh was kind to pay for my ticket. :] and then he got fucked by an old caucasian, which made me and mel laugh. and then headed over to vivo to find Pre (omg, alma mater!), merv and prabs. zy, evan and val joined later. and we hung out at toys r us, and pre, val and i camwhored.

saturday - red rain. people actually think i'm a rocker girl. yes, i am very flattered. don't laugh, but i have MCR on my list. after that, i met Gordon and we ate supper/dinner, and we had in depth discussions on music tastes. fuck MCR. hahaha. kkkkk never mind, got home pretty late. about 1++ in the morning.

mass convos are the sex :]

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Cause you were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself

i wonder how much you'll sacrifice just to see me through tonight. or maybe you wish i would disappear forever. our lives are now so different, and you have no idea how it hurts to be thrown out of the one place you never want to leave.

if only we could all have pills to numb us from this emotional hurt, pills to cure us from knowing too much and understanding too little, pills to make us anybody else so we can stop all the self loathing and constant wish to improve oneself...and failing horribly.

drugs give you temporary relief from the daunting fact that you are you, but when you come back down from the artificial high, you realise you're still that disgusting, revolting shit-filled moron, and you fall into a deeper slump - knowing you can't ever stay in the drug-fogged happy mood forever.